I've been a little discouraged these last two weeks. I've had two months to get settled, learn a bit of language, try to become adjusted and adapted to a new life here. Since arriving here, I've been telling myself and others that at the beginning of April I would start "working", start doing something useful with my time, something that is helping others instead of just myself.  I thought that once April came, things would click as to what I'm really doing here.  Well, the beginning of April has come and gone and I'm discouraged because I don't really know what I'm doing here.  I had written in my last blog about speaking with the director from the clinic at Gohomey and about his excitement to have me involved there and his many ideas of things I could do.  Well, the following week I went back to work out the details with him and the assistant director, and I left feeling quite discouraged, wondering what I could really do there.  (The fact that it took me almost 1 1/2 hours to ride my bike there and close to 2 hours back probably didn't help, especially since I came home when during the day when it was still too hot. Previously it had been said that I could just stay there for the two or three days I would be working there.  But that doesn't seem to be the case at the moment.)  Two of the areas he had spoken about the week before are really in the domain of the assistant director, who is in charge of the social work areas (the orphans and the women who are there with their HIV-infected or malnourished babies).  She has already tried some of the things he had mentioned and isn't really sure what I could do in those areas.  Concerning the orphans, they are in school for most of the day, so there is little I could with them.  She isn't optimistic about finding something for the women to do, as she has already attempted it.  As far as getting involved with AIDS-counseling, that wasn't really mentioned again as an option. Basically they encouraged me to just look around and see what things I notice that could use improvement and get involved with those.  That's extremely difficult to do, especially if I'm only there one day a week, which is what they are suggesting at this moment.  It's also very difficult for me, because I don't see myself as a visionary, as someone who can come into a new situation by myself and develop some new program or have grand ideas of ways to improve the situation (which is one reason why I had decided not to do Peace Corps.  However, part of me wonders if I should have gone with the Peace Corps after all... I feel like I could especially benefit from their language training and the things they do to help you get to know the culture and customs, etc.  I feel like I'm missing things about this culture, especially if they aren't happening in the one village I live in).  I had wanted to come and be a part of something that is already in progress, to be an extra set of hands and extra loving heart, instead of coming in with my own agenda and my ideas as a foreigner.  At this point I am really questioning what skills and talents I have to offer there.  I feel incapable of contributing much of importance.  I believe that in most areas the Beninoir can do a better job themselves, especially since the language for me is still a great problem.  (Even though I understand a lot of French and can express myself somewhat, it is still lacking if my work is mainly communicating verbally ( for example, teaching or speaking to a village).  As far as,  Aja I do not expect to be able to communicate past greetings, basic questions and answers, etc.)  But even besides language, I am confused at what skills/talents/ gifts I have to give. 

 

So, this last Wednesday I went to Gohomey and tried to get to know what goes on there.  Every Wednesday they hold an immunization clinic for babies and pregnant mothers.  I held babies and used a couple questions I had just learned in Aja to try to talk to the mothers (the baby's name and age).  I also spent a couple hours with the toddlers who have AIDS or are malnourished and their mothers/older sisters/or whoever else is staying with them (there are around 15 women and 15 children right now).  Some of them stay there for about two years.  In the afternoon, I played a couple games with the orphans (there are currently 35 orphans there), since Wednesday afternoon they don't have school.  However, Gohomey has hired the teachers to give tutoring Wednesday afternoons, so there still isn't much free time.  It just happened that the teacher for the oldest group (5th graders- ages 9-14) didn't show up.  So I spent two hours teaching them their first English!  It felt great to be able to jump in and do something useful.  However, normally the teacher is there, and the kids really need to have the extra support with their French studies.  They start learning English when they go to "College" (middle school, starting with 6th grade).  The day itself went fine, but still the questions remain in my mind, "Am I needed there?  Am I of any use there? Especially considering how far away it is (I found out that it's basically 20 km each way), is it really the best place for me to be? Is there somewhere closer I can just play with kids or hold babies, if that's all I'm doing.  And is there maybe something more useful I could be doing?  Those babies and toddlers are loved and held by others already.  Am I just filling my time?"

 

Concerning Plan Benin, here's the update.  The last two weeks I've gone there twice a week for my 'internship'.  It's been really interesting and I've learned a lot about the organization and the many things they do.  It seems to be a very well-run organization and they are involved in many different areas of community development. (And actually, it's a huge organization working in 45 countries, with sponsors and donors from 27 different countries).  I've been able get a closer look at how child sponsorship works, the process of how Plan Benin chooses a community to become involved in, how it gets the entire community involved in its development and puts most of the responsibility in the hands of the village.  Last week I was able to observe one day of training (out of four) for the representatives that had been chosen from each of the twenty-four villages will start work in this year.  The training was rather intense for some, especially since the level of education of the volunteer representatives varied greatly (from a 5th grade to a university education).  So, it's been very interesting and I've enjoyed it, but in the back of my mind, I so often come back to "But what will I do?  What is my role?"  At some point, I can't just receive, receive, receive.  I can't just tag along with people from Plan Benin for the next 8 months and observe what they are doing. 

 

Having said all that, I am not completely wallowing in a pool of confusion and discouragement.  I believe that God directed me here to Benin, that He brought me here for a reason.  I am very convinced of this.  I just don't know exactly what the reasons are.  One reason is probably (and hopefully) to learn about Him, to know Him in a deeper way, to learn about this world and the people He created in it, about myself, to grow me and stretch me.  As I reflect back on my reasons for wanting to take this sabbatical year, this was one of my main reasons.  But at this point, I don't see huge growth in this area, or that my being here in Africa versus the US has made a profound difference in this.  But one of the other reasons I also came here to serve the poor, those for whom God has a special heart for... maybe the orphans, maybe the widows, maybe the people with AIDS, maybe whoever else.  I didn't come here just to learn a new culture, learn how to make different kinds of foods, learn what it feels like to be the extreme minority, compare my own culture to this new culture, etc.  I know part of it is a matter a pride:  people want to know what I'm doing here and it's a little embarrassing not be able to give a good answer (more so for the people here, although also a little bit in regards to the people in the States.  In the States it is acceptable to take a sabbatical for personal growth and for learning new things.  Here, when people struggle to feed their families and send their kids to school, it becomes harder to justify taking a year if it is only for personal growth.  And even when I can get passed that flawed thinking, the other part is that I really want to be of use here.  I want to reflect God's love here, to be His hands and feet (and maybe even voice).  But I don't know how.  I pray and ask God to give me patience as I believe that He will guide me (maybe that's why He brought me here, to teach me patience and waiting??).  I pray and ask Him to help me hear Him as He guides me.  There are many needs here, but I feel at a loss as to what I can do, of how and what to get involved in.  I desperately need God to show me exactly what He wants me to do and then give me the wisdom, skills, etc to do it.  So, please pray with me in this. 

 

I don't want to give only a one-sided view of my last two weeks.  It's not that every moment is one of frustration and discouragement.  At this point, I am still really glad I'm here... it would just help to have more of a purpose. Without one, it would be hard to stay 10 months.  And yes, before all of you write back that God is probably using me in ways I don't even know, I know that could be the case. I'm thankful I've been able to help Jennie with school a few times when Thora has had to go other place (on the days I don't go to Plan Benin or Gohomey).  I'm working with Koudjo to help prepare him for taking the GED this summer.  I've been able to help a few students with English.  But is that why I came all the way to Africa?  Maybe I need to let go of my ideas of what I would be doing here and like I said before, maybe I need to let go of pride of what I'm accomplishing.  But now I'm just talking in circles... that's what goes on in my mind, but there is no need to subject you to the insanity of my mind :)  And really, there are so many more thoughts about all this in my mind...believe it or not, this was just the summary :).

 

More thoughts on many other things another time!  I love you all!

Chrischona