Today marks my three months of being in Benin! Hard to believe! I still remember my first night in Benin, contemplating how different and foreign everything was, wondering what the next 10 or 11 months would have in store for me, unable to picture my time here. And now, three months later, it really feels quite normal to be here. Yes, I still wonder what the months ahead have in store for me and yes, I still feel somewhat foreign (unavoidable by nature of my skin and the responses it brings), but I now feel comfortable and accustomed to living here. French is flowing a little more fluently... I only have to ask people to repeat things once or twice instead of three or four times :). I know where to find everything at the huge market (every fifth day) and how much things are supposed to cost... and can bargain until I get that price. I sleep through the music of the funeral ceremonies and the noises of the goats. I can now bike the 20K and the hill without terrible pain and difficulty. And I love eating several mangos a day, now that rainy season has started and mangos are plentiful. I truly am thankful for this privilege and opportunity!

Before I get into the follow-up of my last blog entry, concerning what in the world I'm doing here, a few small pieces of news:
**First, I just renewed my visa for three more months. It's cheaper for me to renew it each three months rather than buy it for a year. Plus, I don't know how long I'm going to stay, so three months at a time is perfect. (Side note: if you're choosing between Togo or Benin on the basis of visa cost, go with Togo- you can stay one year in Togo for the same price as 3 months in Benin; however, if you are choosing the country on the basis of stability, choose Benin. Once again, I don't know how much news you hear there about Togo, but again, it is making big news in Africa. A few months back the president/ dictator died. Well, after many issues and problems, the elections were held last Sunday. The former president's son was pronounced the winner, but the following day the main opponent proclaimed himself to be the new president, because he claims (and I and most people around here agree) that the election was corrupt and unfair. Now, there is the possibility of a civil war erupting. Over 7,000 refugees have fled Togo this week, many of them to Benin; Benin has set up two refugee camps already. The situation there is very tense at the moment.) To get my visa, I had to go to Cotonou, and it was great to have a few days there to see Cotonou and Porto Novo (the capital and former colonial seat). It was a fantastic little holiday for me from village and small town life. I ate pizza,Thai food, and French pastries. I went to the beach and the swimming pool. I wore pants! I walked the streets without anyone calling me Yovo or waving or staring. It really was a wonderful break!
**Secondly, I'll be moving next week... about 15 feet away!! The original agreement with the place I'm renting was only for two months, and those two months are nearly up. I was hoping to stay where I am now, because it's where I have already started building relationships and where I feel comfortable and can trust those around me. I really like the village feel of where I am now, as opposed to living in a concession (with multiple units that are enclosed within a walled and paved courtyard). Plus, I have electricity, running water, and a toilet ... and those are hard to give up when you've been used to them for the last 3 months. Last weekend my landlord came to town for the first time since I started living there, and I asked whether I could continue living there. He kindly refused because it's where he stays when he comes to the village and it's too difficult for him to have to give me advance notice so I pack up my things and stay with the Broyles. He's basically the elder of the village and needs to return whenever there are problems or whenever he wants a break from the city. I was disappointed at first, especially since I wasn't sure how far away I would have to move. I ended up finding one place fairly close. Even though it was in a concession, didn't have electricity, and only had latrines and showers outside for everyone to use, I was considering it... and actually even a very tiny bit excited about learning to live without those things that I used to consider essentials. However, the very next day, my landlord's brother arrived at the village and when he was told my situation, he insisted that I rent his house, which is 15 feet away from the house I'm currently in. It also has electricity and running water, but no indoor toilet. That, however, isn't a really problem, just a minor adjustment. So, God has provided for me once again in a way I wouldn't have imagined!
***Thirdly, two of my friends, Koudjo and Jules, prepared a feast for me yesterday! They cooked food that is normally only prepared for very special feasts, such as Christmas, and it was delicious! It really made me feel appreciated and loved and a part of their lives here. Plus, I know that for them to buy a chicken and the other things for the meal, they spent a lot of the very little money they have! Without these two friends, my life here would be quite different and probably quite lonely, and so I am very grateful for them.

Now, onto my thoughts concerning my purpose of being here:
I still don't have concrete answers about what I'm doing here, at least not the kind of answers I like: "You will do such and such work with such and such organization on such and such days." However, I have been learning things in the last few weeks that are SLOWLY changing my perspective. The evening after I wrote the last blog, I continued reading a book I had started awhile ago, but hadn't finished: Compassion by Nouwen, McNeill, and Morrison. (Thanks, Laura, for the book!!) Earlier I had read the first 2/3 of the book without really connecting with it, but the last three chapters were completely fitting for my situation. The last three chapters, entitled patience, prayer, and action, seek to answer the question of how we can live a compassionate life day in and day out. Compassion is to live patiently with others, to suffer patiently with others, "to enter actively into the thick of life and to fully bear the suffering within and around us." So often we are driven by clock time and by the things we need to get done or the places we need to be. Clock time often makes us disappointed because we didn't accomplish as much as we hoped in a certain amount of time. When we live by the clock time, we don't have time for each other. We miss moments of grace and of salvation that are before us. Even here, with supposedly more time on my hands, I have felt driven by clock time, driven to accomplish things, driven to have some sort of schedule and structure, feeling like I sometimes don't have enough time for certain things. Patience, however, opens us up to others, frees us to truly love and accept and care for others. Maybe God has given me this time to be free from actual responsibilities of a job in order to learn the discipline of patience, of compassion...of being able to stop and sit with someone for a few hours or help someone who is suffering. But my practical mind doesn't know what that means. Do I just walk the streets until God leads me to someone to sit with for a few hours? Then when people ask me what I'm doing here, do I tell them that I working for the NGO called Compassion ??? :) A few weeks after reading and meditating on this, I still don't really know what it means or how to put this all together, but I'm trying to accept and appreciate this time as a chance to learn what it means. It has freed me a bit from the pressure of accomplishing something concrete with my time here. I want to be a person who takes time for others, who makes them feel loved and accepted and cared for. Maybe God wants to teach me to be that kind of person, to be free from the constant need to have a schedule and accomplish things in hour slots. Of course it's difficult to change life-long thought processes and habits, but I'm trying to be learn to be patient with myself as well. :) This discipline of patience is practiced in prayer and action. We often feel such a need to do, do, do. Yes, even things that are good, like helping in a soup kitchen, visiting the sick, etc. are often done because of our own needs rather than a sign of God's compassion. Also, I often only turn to prayer, to God, as a last resort, after I have tried my best and not succeeded. Maybe what I need to learn is that prayer comes first, before action. Prayer proclaims to ourselves and to others that we can do nothing without God. I need not be so concerned about finding something to do to help others, but start praying for the needs I see around me. I need to rely on the Spirit, who makes it possible for us to quiet down and stop and listen and wait, who prays and intercedes on our behalf, who guides us into action (action also is necessary, for faith without good works is quite dead). Now, what exactly does this mean for me? I don't know. For now I haven't decided to quit my "internships" because I don't see a role for me there and instead spend the time at home praying until God leads me into action. Instead, I'm trying to remember to use the time when I'm tagging others around to pray for the people we come in contact with. Of course I fail frequently, but that's exactly it: it's not me who is performing and accomplishing, and I need to remember that even in the area of prayer. The week after reading these chapters, I was connected with (was directed to?) a third organization, an association really, a self-help group of people with AIDS. I'm going to start being with them one day a week, even though I don't exactly know my involvement. Maybe I can just go visit those who are too sick to go about, pray for them, sit with them, sweep their hut, bring food, or whatever action might be helpful to them (and something where I don't have to use complex language, as would be necessary in teaching or training). I really don't know, but will try to wait patiently and pray to see what happens. Maybe already I've romantized what I will DO with them. So, there you have my current thoughts on what I'm "doing/not going" here. It's definitely not been a 180 degree change for me, as I frequently still fret about not feeling productive or wondering if I missing how I'm supposed to be helping people or feeling bad because I don't pray. I still don't really look forward to the three days a week I go to my "internships", and I still feel bad sometimes because I'm maybe not using my many free days for productive and grand things. But I am thankful for the beginnings of a change in perspective and hope it will be a lasting one that will carry over into my life when I again have "a real job" and "a real schedule".

Many of you have asked about pictures. I brought my digital camera, but forgot the chord to connect it to the computer (the only thing I forgot to bring!!!). It's in the process of being sent over, so hopefully soon I'll have pictures for you as well. Until then, you'll just have to visualize as best as you can. Hope all of you are well!
Your Yovo or Agblochi (a term which also means "Whitey" that I frequentlly hear on my bike ride to Gohomey)